Falling Down

I keep going round and around in this circle repeating the same old patterns. Every time I start to get ahead, I get impatient and push myself too far, too fast, and then, I fall, and must take a few steps backwards and maybe, even a few more, a few leaps, or even a long journey backward, very far, starting again way, way, way back, to the beginning. Then I get angry, very angry that I had to start all over again. This pattern keeps happening and the anger grows more each time, I can feel it eating away at my soul. Becoming despondent and hopeless I find myself down at the bottom of a dark well, a bottomless pit and I can't breathe, and I can't see. I stay there for a bit feeling sorry for myself, arguing incessantly until I am sick of hearing my own voice inside my head. Then, I grow tired of it all and somehow deep down inside I feel a sense of being, a glimmer of hope, of courage to find a way out. Suddenly someone throws a rope down and I grab on to it, pulling myself up as I am being pulled and I can feel my feet on the edge of the well, barefoot, toes sinking into each crevice step by step working my way up that dark well of despair. When I reach the top of that well I look out and see all the beauty that I had been missing.

I sit for a while under an old oak tree, close my eyes, go within, feel my roots sink back into mother earth going deep down into her depths, feeling the vibration and the magnitude of her power encompassing every particle of my being. Imagining roots leading me down to the earth’s center, I find myself at the bottom of a cave, mother earth's cave, and I look around and it feels so simple, so peaceful, the scent of the earth so deep and primal at my core. Then someone touches my shoulder and says gently, “you're here, you made it, I'm so proud of you, you've got to this place, and you found me,” she says to me. I feel so far away but yet so close and she's there but yet it's so hard to feel her and I work and try to embrace how important this connection is and I wonder to myself how do I do this a different way, how do I connect? Then I hear “only you know best, you must find your own path.”

So, I sink down into my bones, and I find myself back leaning into that old oak tree, the sun beating down on my face, I feel the grass beneath my feet, the earth beneath my fingers as I brush my hands against the bark and breath in the scent of the sweet grass. I feel the sun beating down on my chest and my eyes are heavy with sleep from the blissful state that arises from the blessing of the sun. With an imaginary golden thread, I go up through the crown of my head traveling up into the skies, into the clouds, reaching out into the stars, looking at the twinkling lights all around, and I smell the essence of the universe, so different from the earthly fragrances I know. I’m so far away from my everyday senses that I have a hard time understanding what I am experiencing, but I continue. I follow that thread up into the heat of the sun, and my consciousness melts into that warmth and vibration, the deep sonic vibration of the flames lapping in the wind rushing by. I feel connected and comforted inside and I know that the sun is embracing me, it's energy reaching deep inside my soul helping me remember, helping me connect to all existence and reminding me of who I am as everything opens up, my heart expanding, my mind widening, and I feel my whole being stretching into a thousand million different particles, vibrating and dancing in an ecstatic flow of energy and I can feel an opening across my back, wings like I’ve never felt before. They are so strong, and I feel so connected to them, but I’m not ready, I’m not ready to embrace them just yet. I have work to do, so I acknowledge them, and I thank the sun. I say thank you for showing me who I am, and now I can move forward. I journey back down my golden thread, back down into the crown of my head into my heart space, back to the tree where I was sitting and I find that space where I belong, the place where I call home, the place only I know exists, only I know where to live. I go back, and I start over, again, where I left off, hopefully with some new insight and this time, I go slow. Once again.

~ June 6, 2024

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